


Shizaya Haikus

by itsnotlove, LegendofMajora, nakadoo, PendulumDeath, Spoontasti



Series: Butt Poets Society [1]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Attempt at Humor, Haiku, Heartbreak, Horror, Izuo - Freeform, M/M, Metafiction, Poetry, Sexy Times, Shizaya - Freeform, Stupidity, Tropes, butts butts and more butts, erotic and exotic, lots o' laughs, lots o' tears, no regrets, sexy dramatic readings, truly doing satan's work
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-21
Updated: 2015-09-22
Packaged: 2018-04-16 09:05:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4619580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsnotlove/pseuds/itsnotlove, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LegendofMajora/pseuds/LegendofMajora, https://archiveofourown.org/users/nakadoo/pseuds/nakadoo, https://archiveofourown.org/users/PendulumDeath/pseuds/PendulumDeath, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spoontasti/pseuds/Spoontasti
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Butt Poets Society brings you heart-wrenching and thought provoking prose to the Drr! fandom like you've never seen before! From butts and peen to angst and visceral horror, one thing is <i>always</i> guaranteed - a dick will end up in an ass one way or another!</p><p>Alternatively, 'Shizaya Haikus You Never Asked For But Are Getting Anyway'</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Endearing Classics Vol.1

**Author's Note:**

> If you can guess which ones each of us did, we offer GOLD stars and a bunch of sexy yaoi doujinshis for correct answers.
> 
> ~~disclaimer: i am actually too poor to guarantee that last part but i can offer you an extra gold star to make up for it~~  
>   
>  LOOK EVERYONE - There's an [audio accompaniment](http://lemoninagin.tumblr.com/post/127203389587/i-have-strayed-so-far-from-gods-light) you can listen to while you read~! Isn't that fun?!

[](http://imgur.com/xRhSqvJ)

  


kinda hate your face  
personality sucks butt  
ass is on point though

 

Ripping that smirk off  
your flesh tastes like ash and fear  
what are you hiding

 

Why can’t you just die  
Will Vending machines kill you?  
Hey wait, let me check

 

stupid shitty flea  
why are you such an asshole  
literal trashcan

 

remember that time  
I didn't want to kill you  
lol yeah me neither

 

I’ll kill you again  
stay away you mangled pest  
just hold still and wait

 

Why are you running?  
I just want to smoosh you, Flea  
Fucking- just stand still.

 

Shizu-chan so lame  
IQ is like minus 10  
violent protozoan

 

Recognize the ache  
always leaving marks to keep  
every scar mine

 

SHIZUO! STOP! NO!  
NOT WHILE SHINRA IS WATCHING  
GOD DAMN IT, SHINRA.

 

loser with no friends  
ikebukuro's douchebag  
no hotpot for you

 

Do I just, you know  
Stick it right inside your butt?  
Not sanitary.

 

freaky ass insect  
forever stirring shit up  
can you fucking not

 

went to go kill you  
house full of weird gay porn  
what the actual fuck

 

Your blood smells bitter  
feral bastard beneath me  
crush you into bits

 

Don’t make me laugh now  
is that the best you can do  
no way to escape

 

always watching me  
pretty sure I'm being stalked  
stupid eskimo

 

drank too much last night  
woke up next to large bedbug  
filled with much regret

 

God damnit don’t laugh  
I hate your dumb shitty voice  
Please don’t tell Celty 

 

Cut your flesh slowly  
enjoy the ride it’s play time  
don’t hold back on me

 

Stupid Shizu-chan  
You are just like Godzilla  
Destroying Japan

 

My brother is mad  
Orihara bullies him  
Goodbye, deposit 

 

Inside outside you  
blood coating my fingertips  
miss me shizu-chan

 

Eyes like razor edge points  
Quirking of lips so pretty  
Do me in da butt

 

Shizu-chan watch this  
don’t look at me like that cur  
that punch was a kiss

 

I am so confused  
want his butt and to kill him  
…Necrophiliac? 

 

told you to fuck off  
took me too literally  
dick is in my ass

 

Beat pest blind and bloody  
tear your limbs apart don’t touch  
stronger than concrete

 

Sit pretty for me  
So i can tear apart quick  
Dick ride me all night

 

bite me izaya  
devour you to the bone  
hold still and just die

 

told you be careful  
now at Shinra's with sore ass  
dick game way too strong

Why do I feel fat?  
**_Shizu-chan has super sperm!?_**  
I’m blaming Shinra

 

Up and away from here  
take all of what you can grab  
monster inside me

 

Flea thought he had me  
but my peen is magical  
nature found a way

 

ASS DICK VIBRATOR  
POWER RANGER SETTING ON  
BLACK RANGER PENIS

 

Stop trying to hide  
inside no escaping now  
bite your tongue clean off

 

Teach me a lesson  
taint and paint blood inside me  
never let me go

 

Hot damn dat booty  
Cup it with my fingertips  
Just gotta spank it

 

Hey, shitty bastard  
wanna put it in my butt?  
lol too bad for you

 

Snap bones clicking shut  
teeth spitting into my palm  
regret the first time

 

Tranquilizers worked  
okay I’ll just put it in  
How’s it in my butt?

 

Been spending most of  
our lives livin in a fu  
joshi paradise

 

Live dissection cuts  
peeling flesh from hot muscle  
dying never ends

 

Nice plush rump so pure  
Wanna touch it all night/day  
Sweet ass derriere

 

Crunching fingertips  
scream my name out loud weakling  
feel engulfing wrath

 

Izaya shut up  
I was only confused once  
I know where it goes

 

Veins shake leaves on trees  
jaw breaking fast slick with blood  
smirk I dare you to

 

Pull rip clench break scream  
raking claws bending insects  
slip inside bleed raw

 

Your booty is fine  
your only good quality  
damn it please shut up

 

In Russia Sushi  
toilet stall isn’t private  
Simon was happy 

 

CONDOM NOT STRETCHY  
DICK STUCK IN ASS TOO SQUISHY  
DIRECTIONS UNCLEAR

 

sucked your dick today  
jesus says it isn’t gay  
if you don’t swallow


	2. How Do I Hate Flea? Let Me Count the Ways

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Yes, this ones comes with my sexy voice too](http://lemoninagin.tumblr.com/post/127452811622/believe-it-or-not-its-only-downhill-from-here)
> 
>  
> 
> Please ignore my horrible Russsian accent. Oh, and the fact that at one point I sound like Scooby-Doo

[](http://imgur.com/EJxs8ZQ)

 

Flea jumping around  
Forever riding my nuts  
Please go jump off bridge

 

Roses are blood red,  
Blond beasts are fucking stupid,  
Please die, you loser!

 

I can’t stop writing  
These awful shitastic poems  
Help me I’m in hell

 

Your lips taste too sweet.  
I really hate that, you know?  
Stop kissing me, mutt!

 

Shizu-chan rabu  
ha ha ha just kidding brute  
Izaya rabu!?!?!

 

I have tons pictures  
Of your protozoan ass  
Bum got me like whoah

 

Shitty fucking flea  
Damn your ass is nice, no homo  
Just want to tap it

 

Hands around your throat  
fit so nice and snug inside  
smash your face to bits

 

Erika saw it  
Butt-sex by Russia sushi  
Nosebleed forever

 

Ne, ne, Shizu-chan?  
Want to take it up the ass?  
Feels good, I promise!

 

Don’t just shove it in  
You need to prepare it first  
Preheat the oven

 

Shizu-chan’s a virg  
cock + butt = sex duh  
laugh in your dumb face

 

Kill kill kill kill kill!  
Wait, did you just bend over?  
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

 

I wrote a story  
about your sexy booty  
you die at the end.

 

I was a virgin  
but my peen knows what to do  
natural seme.

 

Fuck me harder, beast!  
Or I’ll slice you to ribbons!  
Go harder, I said!

 

Shinra knows too much  
Shizu-chan we must kill him  
Flea, fuck the fuck off

 

Ass cock nature’s peen  
ride all night with deep dicking  
parasitic itch

 

fell for Shinra’s trick  
turned into cat boy again  
kinda wanna fuck

 

Shizu-chan’s nipples,  
Why must they be so perky?  
Too sexy for words.

 

Lick me harder there  
asshole tastes like manure  
dick don’t fit in ear

 

Shizu-chan come on  
tentacle porn is totes fun  
ass rape 4 life yo

 

Saw you in cafe  
Cute barista Shizu kiss  
Coffee au real

 

sloppy seconds butt  
pictures all on instagram  
you fucking bastard

 

threw trash at ugly face  
missed and fell on you instead  
wow surprise butt sex

 

Spawn of Satan’s shit  
dick-licking ass sucker flea  
fuck up dick sideways

 

Eating your ass out  
Dangling from 10 stories high  
You reap what you sow

 

Cigarette no good  
fighting is bad Shizuo  
Russia sushi yum

 

so torn between this  
wanting you to die but not  
I might just miss you

 

Ootoro flea food  
bait flea into trap door hole  
not what it looks like

 

Sang a shit duet  
dammit why's everything  
end in fuckin fire

 

Balls fill nature with dick  
nature fucks Izaya in ass  
beast peen is on fleek

 

Dick too big to fit  
pull back don’t fuck my brains out  
asshole Shizu-chan

 

whenever I see  
you smile and look at me too  
stomach lurches up

 

Magical dickhole  
ass don’t fit vending machine  
Celty don’t watch dis

 

leering conniving  
hate myself inside for how  
much I let you in

 

booty butt booty  
booty buttcheeks so damn warm  
pound it all night long

 

Married to light pole  
cigarette y dick so smol  
Izaya fuck you

 

shizu-chan dick wow  
can't let know so fuck many dicks  
got std sad

 

Gloves fucking handy  
me seme you uke bitch  
gimme more bitchfuck

 

Faster rub longer  
thrust in faster grind harder  
going to co-come~!

 

gave Shizu love drug  
for revenge but now wanna fuck  
shit didn't think through

 

Oprah would know how  
don’t fucking shove that in ass  
Dr. Phil is shit

 

Rip your tongue with teeth  
kiss me ‘til I can’t breathe in  
I’m blind when it’s you

 

Naked wrecking ball  
dream to be miley cyrus  
FUCK OFF IZAYA

 

Dotachin knows aight  
that man is just way too sharp  
plus saw dick in ass

 

Thinking of sex swing  
leather handcuffs to attach  
I’m leaving you there

 

Tsukumoya why  
I _just_ want to _fuck_ Shizu  
don't twist my words up

 

Hito rabu ra–!  
Too tight around my throat say  
Shizuo rabu

 

mm love when you speak  
dose sexy Russian tones, boi  
turns on my nob unf

 

Slick sweat running still  
hot breaths puffing more please more  
end of our hate game

 

Fisting hurts too much  
fucking pregnant with your kid  
who is fucking who

 

Where is all my milk?  
Did you bathe in it again?  
Makes me so thirsty.

 

Shizu-chan sucks balls  
No really he licked me there  
Fingered my ass too

 

Shizaya haiku  
dick go in between butt cheeks  
Izuo haiku


	3. The Vending Machine Collection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have finally recovered from my cold and the first thing out of my mouth is [sin](http://lemoninagin.tumblr.com/post/129668571572/the-first-thing-out-of-my-mouth-is-sin)
> 
> Also, Nakadoo and Spoontasti make an appearance this chapter - can you guess which ones?

 

Gay haiku porn thing  
far we have strayed from god’s light  
what would jesus do

 

cock throbbing so nice  
pulsing veiny between thighs  
smack it against face

 

His eyes are reddish  
He is blue when he's choking  
and he smells like shit

 

Finally got you  
Vending machine in the ass  
Booty destroyed lol

 

Boring Sunday night  
I’m all prepped, but have no plans  
no dick in my butt

 

VIBRATING DICK WAND  
TOASTER’S STRUEDEL BUTT CLENCH FULL  
ASS PLAY NOT FOR TWO

 

Ikebukuro  
get the fuck away–pudding!  
refrigerator

 

doin it in da butt  
WAIT STOP WTF IS THAT  
ass totes ruined now

 

You are frigid ice  
A flea flavored popsicle  
melting in my mouth

 

Came to have good time  
literally too but then  
CUM IN MY EYE OW

 

♂♀

 

No delicacy  
I can’t walk, carry me home  
Ow, everything hurts

I thought you liked rough  
Let’s get ice for your ass, lol  
I’ll kiss it better

I will punch your throat  
Don’t you dare bite my ass, brute  
I’ll bite your dick off

Calm down, Izaya  
I know you like my dick but  
Whoa, desperate much?

Gasp, you twist my words  
Am I rubbing off on you?  
Haha! Stupid beast!

 

♂♀

 

Your nervous blushing  
it sends me over the edge  
oh shit, can’t you breathe?

 

Shizu be gentle  
it's my first time you dumb brute  
...lol no you 100th

 

Let me suck you off  
no homo if we don’t kiss  
and we keep laughing

 

Shizu-chan’s two dicks  
how do you even have two?  
Fuck! Where did mine go?!

 

Izaya, fuck's sake  
not going to fuck you while  
you watch nat geo

 

Skipping home today  
minding my own business  
surprise dick in butt

 

Iiiiiizzzaaayyyyaaaa fuck you  
you thought I wouldn't notice  
you spat in my milk

 

Flea, don't touch me there  
you lil' shit I said _don't_ touch -  
whoops jizz in my pants

 

Insecurities  
they fill me from the inside  
please wear a condom

 

Uh, Izaya-kun?  
This is no hotpot party,  
it’s a bukkake

 

Lollipop break in  
Idiot! I brought some lube  
fucked me unconscious

 

Consent is sexy~!  
nyaa, Shizu-chan, fuck me _now_  
what do you mean slow

 

Hate your dumb sweet ass  
and your stupid milky thighs  
ugly pretty boy

 

You're kind of pretty  
Flea, the way you move your hips  
without your clothes on

 

How big is his schlong?  
It’s not an excuse to bang  
that protozoan

 

Tch, don't pout at me  
seriously put your lip  
back...aw man what's wrong

 

Flea just won’t kiss me  
wants to try all the ways first  
stupid tsundere

 

I will fuck you up  
wait what happened to your pants  
That's not what I meant

 

Hanky panky beast  
going to fuck you Shizu  
lie back ass goes up

 

Shizuo, 'zaya  
do 'bukuro a solid  
go on vay kay

 

They are gone thank god  
Ikebukuro is at  
peace again...for now

 

I got you a gift  
it's your favorite tuna  
surprise it's a dick

 

You're staring again  
my ass isn't on display  
fucking don't pinch me

 

Kasuka best nii  
-chan always helping big bro  
get his flea dick wet

 

I will lick your butt  
on display for ‘bukuro  
but your dick is gross

 

Dress like Shizuo  
this isn’t weird I promise  
why are you laughing?

 

Bastard, fucking move  
you’re always jumping around  
unless we’re fucking

 

Rumors they say, huh  
What about tape with buttsex?  
Erika just no

 

Lollipop condom  
ass tastes like cherry rainbow  
thrust your tongue inside

 

Where did you come from  
why the fuck are you in here  
in my apartment

 

Summer holiday  
why are we going again  
can I be on top

 

ASS GOO WHAT IS THAT  
IZAYA YOUR ASS BE FIIIINE  
dick chocolate yum

 

Fuck, not in the sand!  
Shizu-chan, _please_ , a-a-ah…  
d-don’t touch me there…

 

One day internet  
may die and prevent more poems  
but butts live in hearts

**Author's Note:**

> We encourage anyone who wants to join the Butt Poets Society to jump right in and show us what you got! All you need to apply for membership is to sign your soul over to Satan and make a pledge to convert your firstborn into a dedicated Shizaya-lovin' drone. If you think you have what it takes, [shoot your load into my inbox](http://lemoninagin.tumblr.com/ask)~ (or, if you don't have tumblr, [aim for my sweet spot](mailto:schrodingerslesbian@gmail.com?subject=Booty%20Buttcheeks%20So%20Warm))


End file.
